A day in the life of my autoethnographic researcher: riding the rollercoaster

Today, I find myself grappling with a mix of emotions as I delve deeper into my doctoral studies. I should be coding data but I am struggling. A timely lunch break allows the opportunity to reflect on my feelings. I’m coding data from interviews with disabled postgraduate research students about their lived experiences of studying for a doctorate. Many of their lived experiences, like some of my own are disheartening.

As someone who maintains a positive outlook, and for years suppressed the reality of my experience, I’m saddened by the commonality of our struggles. The interviews have unearthed shared experiences of systemic barriers, microaggressions, and the constant need to advocate for accessibility and understanding. I can’t say this surprises me, it is just when I revisit the words on the screen, they make me sad.

Confronting the emotional toll these challenges take on disabled students has been particularly challenging. The impact on me is also significant each time I go to code the data.  Feelings of isolation, frustration, and self-doubt are recurring themes. It’s a stark reminder that even with the best intentions, the academic world still has a long way to go in creating truly inclusive environments. I hope my voice is heard.

While coding the data, I’ve had moments of profound sadness, anger, and even a sense of shared trauma. It’s a heavy burden to carry. However, I am powered by a sense of responsibility to amplify these voices. I aim to contribute to meaningful change. I will return to the impact this has on me, the researcher, as I reflect on the process and include an autoethnographic account alongside voices of others.

This research journey has been a rollercoaster of emotions, (and still is) but it’s also reinforced my belief in the power of resilience and community. I’m inspired by the strength and determination of the students I’ve interviewed, and I’m committed to using my research to advocate for a more fair and inclusive academic experience for all. I must give a shout to my supervisory team, they wonderful, they listen, they see me and I do not feel they are judging me. Most of all they are patient.

I believe it’s vital to acknowledge the emotional impact of research, particularly when it involves sensitive topics like disability and lived experiences. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or even heartbroken at times. These emotions are a testament to our empathy and commitment to making a difference. This outwardly open post is part of the acknowledgment.

As I continue this study, I’m committed to prioritizing self-care and seeking support from health experts, colleagues and mentors. I also want to create spaces for open dialogue and reflection. A space where we can share our experiences and collectively work towards solutions. I lean towards a creative space to help share stories, to challenge biases, advocate for accessibility, and create a culture of true belonging

I’m hopeful that this research will contribute to a greater understanding of the challenges faced by disabled postgraduate students, and ultimately lead to positive changes within academia.